Just shoot me! (with that one bullet in your breast pocket)

A couple of weeks ago, the kids and I were running late for a birthday party that was way out in the middle of nowhere. I needed to run into OfficeMax and make ONE copy. It was going to take all of 60 seconds to do this. So I pulled into the fire lane, handed AA my cell phone, told her to lock the doors, and said, "I'll be right back". I darted into Office Max, ran to the copy counter, asked for one transparency copy, and paid my 53 cents. About the time I handed the cashier the last penny, I heard a loud ,deep voice yell, "Who owns the white car parked in the fire lane?!" You could have heard a pin drop at that very minute. I swear I think the background music even stopped playing (at least that's what it felt like). So I smiled politely and said, "I do." The whole store looked at me and shook their heads in disbelief (at least that's what it felt like). The police office put his finger by his face and motioned for me to "come here". He had a smirk on his face and I knew I wouldn't be getting out of this one.

We stepped outside and he yelled, "See that sign right there?!", referring to the large sign with bright red capital letters that said, "NO PARKING. FIRE LANE ONLY." Well obviously I saw the sign so I said, "Yes sir." "Well then why'd you park here?!" he yelled. "Well", I explained, "We are running late and I was just going to run in very quickly to get a copy made and I knew I'd only be a minute." The he yells even louder,"Well now you're going to be late AND twenty five dollars poorer!" Secretly I was jumping up and down inside because, truth be told, I was standing there thinking, "Oh my gosh! I bet this ticket is going to cost an arm and a leg." I was SO HAPPY when he said "twenty five dollars." But don't worry - I wasn't about to let on that I was happy with this news. Then he yelled, in front of everyone who was now stopped and staring (at least that's what it felt like!), "AND...YOU LEFT YOUR KIDS IN YOUR CAR!!!" Oh boy. I knew this was coming. "Do you know how EASY it would be for me to bust out your window and steal your KIDS AND YOUR CAR?!" he yelled, as he dangled his billy club (or whatever it's called) in front of my eyes. I had no answer. So he took a QUARTER out of his pocket and said in his best 007 voice, "I could bust your window out with a quarter." I think I was supposed to be impressed, so I put on my "most impressed" face. He put the quarter up to my nose and rubbed it between his fingers and said, "Yep. That's right. I could bust your window out with a quarter. What do you think about that?" I absolutely COULD NOT THINK OF A SINGLE THING TO SAY. What was the right answer?? "Wow, that's awesome! You're amazing!"? or "Oh no!" or, "Obviously you don't have children. No one would want a Camry with four kids in it!" or "Gee Officer, you 're making a great point." or "A quarter...who knew?" I mean, I was at a total loss. I won't even tell you what I said because it's just plain embarrassing! So then he said, "I want your driver's license, your proof of insurance, and your registration!" Gulp. I was pretty sure (but not totally confident) that I could produce the license, but I was a little concerned about the other two things. I fumbled around in the car searching frantically for the registration and insurance. I know the officer was loving this part - watching me panic. So I called M and said, "I'm getting a ticket and Barney Fife needs my insurance and registration." You know what M said?! He said, "I wouldn't call him that to his face." Really? Wow. Gee honey, I'm so glad you told me that. Otherwise I might have slipped up and called him "Barney Fife" to his face. So I said, "Honey, can you just tell me where they are?" So - like the awesome husband that he is - he told me exactly where he put them. I've never been happier to hand a police officer my registration and proof of insurance. But to make me sweat a little more, he continued to question me, "Is this your car?" "Yes sir" "Is it in your name?" "Yes sir". Gulp. "Did I just lie?" , I wonder. So I stutter and stammer and say, "I mean, I think it's in my name. It's my car. But..um.. my husband paid for it. It might be in his name. But..um... I think it's in my name. I don't know. I mean, if he can pay for it and put it in my name, I'm sure that's what he did. But if you can't do that, then it's in his name." UGH!! This guy was making me sweat and he was loving every minute of it! FINALLY, he gave me my ticket, which I THANKED him for (I hate it when I do that!). And I got in the car, completely lost it, and cried like a baby all the way to the birthday party that I was really late for by now! I have no idea why I cried (other than the fact that it was total PMS!). And then I had to explain to my children that we didn't need to "talk about mommy's conversation with the police office " at the birthday party. Talk about raining on their parade! They were devastated when I told them not to tell their friends. Apparently this was going to be a big hit as far as conversations go among the "ten and under" crowd!

Shew - I'm sweating again just writing about this!

No worries, though. I've already paid my ticket and I learned my lesson! I will NEVER EVER park in the fire lane in Opelika ever again! And probably not anywhere else, for that matter! H "nipped it in the bud" (as Barney would say!)